"Why Hello Life, it's nice to see you again!"

Well Im back again after what can only be described as a tough few months. Whilst I dont often share too much about my private life, its time for me to fess up to crippling bouts of depression. Honestly, I want you to see the great parts of my life, and I cant bear negativity so I tend not to talk about it online, rather I speak to friends privately as that works much better for me. Sadly social media can give a really skewed idea of our lives, and in my experience, people seem to jump on the "negative" bandwagon rather than the positivity train, so i try to keep my posts upbeat.

However, for the last 12 months, and especially the last 3-4 months, I have been unable to do much more than go to work and gigs and that's about it. It took all of my energy to perform, and everything I had to get up in the morning.

As a performer, I know Im not alone in this. The trade off of being creative often seems to come with an open invitation to the Black Dog (that's not to suggest that non-creatives dont suffer too by the way)! Its something that affects so many of the people that I love and admire, and it really does help to know you're not alone.

But that's not why Im writing today. Im writing because I want to remind you all that there is always light. It may not come when you need it, and it may not come in the form that you expect, but its there, and if you just reach hard enough, you can find it. But you have to reach. Specifically, you have to reach out.

A few weeks back, I finally reached out. Initially I spoke to two dear performer friends. I spoke to them about my desperation. About my weight and how embarrassed I was at my appearance. About how difficult I felt with being on display. And specifically about how I felt like I was watching my life pass me by.

Both women are substantially younger than me, and both have atittudes, and bodies, that I admire greatly. And in opening up to them, they in turn, opened up to me. This was a revelation to say the least. All three of us are very protective of our branding (hence, no names Im afraid), so until I was open with them, I didnt know of the issues they themselves face. I have always appreciated that you dont have to have a visible weight issue to not feel great about your own body, in fact I am a vocal supporter of any person who wants to complain about their body! It doesnt matter what size you wear, it doesnt mean you're happy. Happiness isnt measured by dress size! I had a conversation with a well known performer a while back who told me that she felt she wasnt "allowed" to have a "fat" day on social media as she would most likely be attacked as she is perceived as having a perfect body. This angers me so much. We ALL have those days. And we are entitled to them, no matter what size. As I've said so many times, if you are normally a size 10 and you find yourself wearing a size 14, aren't you experiencing a lot of the same emotions as me?? Just because our sizes are different, the experience is much the same. Body shaming is awful and unacceptable, at any size.

The women that I reached out to in turn gave me the personal power to reach out to someone else. That person was someone I met at GoodwoodFestival last year whilst modelling for the Vintage Hair Lounge and my lovely friend Sharon Holloway and her feisty Mum Gloria, easily two of my most favourite people!

Kelly Bakewell is not only one of the most beautiful women I've laid eyes on (the only person in a photograph with Dita Von Teese, who can actually look more beautiful than Dita-I kid you not), she is one of the loveliest and most supportive people I've ever met. 

Case in Point-Gorgeous Miss Kelly Bakewell

When we were at Goodwood, there is really only street food to survive on. And when you're wearing a full face of make up and gorgeous House of Foxy dresses, you tend not to eat.....well I dont as everything pretty much always lands on my built in verandah (aka breasts). So when I saw Kelly tackling a huge Sausage in a Roll (not a euphamism!), I immediately asked her how she was eating it! Her response: "I deadlift and work out." I meant how was she physically eating it as it was impossible to look glamorous eating something like that and spilling it on everything (if you're me!), but her reaction was one of a person who is constantly questioned and shamed because she looks incredible. This is what we are doing to each other. We are making beautiful women apologise for their appearance.

Kelly and I immediately connected on this issue and I knew we'd be friends, and when she announced that she was going to train as a Personal Trainer, I was so happy that someone with such a great attitude would be out there encouraging people to be healthy and fit.

So at my lowest ebb, I reached out to Kelly. And 2 weeks in, she has literally changed my life. She has played an enormous hand in giving me my life back. I told her how desperate I was. I told her that I wanted to be confident again, that I wanted to be "me" again, and since that day, daily she has boosted me, and understood that this is a lifelong, emotional struggle for me, not just a case of "eating less and moving more."

So here I am 2 weeks in, 8lbs lighter, but more importantly to me, 9 inches smaller, and with more energy than I have had in what feels like forever. 2 weeks ago, I gave up sugar and Kelly put me on a High Fat, Low Carb (HFLC) diet.

I am a major sugar addict. What most people dont understand about that is that I am not a chocolate addict, Im a bread, pasta, chips addict. If its got bread, I'll eat it!

The first few days I drank more water than anyone should in their lifetime, but it was the only way I knew I would get through the cravings so I kept at it. Now, I have no desire for anything sweet or carb-y, just fat and protein.

From a macro perspective, I am eating 70% Fat, 25% Protein and 5% Carbs per day and although I am trying to hit 1,600 calories a day, I am finding myself in surplus most days as I simply dont have the appetite I used to. Incidentally, this particular way of eating has been embraced and endorsed as the suggested way of eating in Sweden (http://healthimpactnews.com/2013/sweden-becomes-first-western-nation-to-reject-low-fat-diet-dogma-in-favor-of-low-carb-high-fat-nutrition/).

Ansell Keys and his myth of low fat eating has a lot to answer for! (https://rawfoodsos.com/2011/12/22/the-truth-about-ancel-keys-weve-all-got-it-wrong/ - This is an incrediby interesting read by the way).

I should point out that about 14 years ago I weighed almost 20 stone, and I went on a similar diet, lost 6 stone and maintained that weight for almost 12 years, so I've been down this road before successfully.

So now my days consist of eggs for breakfast, avocado and tuna for lunch and chicken breast wrapped in bacon with cheese and salad veg for dinner.....or thereabouts. Im taking food with me wherever I go and making sure that I drink loads of water, and its working! But mostly, its making me feel like I have control again. Like I can finally live my life again.

Roast Dinner

Smoked Salmon, Cream Cheese
Omelette

At the same time, I roped in my friend Shelley to work out with me (especially as Kelly is based in Edinburgh so we can only do messenger and Skype), and we've been actively encouraging each other as we do the JillianMichael's 30 Day Shred together (although we only do it every other day). Having that person who can spur me on even when I dont feel like it, is so important for me, the people pleaser that I am. I dont think I could be doing the exercise part of this without my Shell Bear.

I will keep you updated on my progress (try to stop me) and I will share some photos in a few weeks when I get a bit braver. But I also want to encourage you to reach out if you need to. There's nothing wrong with admitting you cant do it alone.

And if you need a trainer, get in touch with Kelly!

Much love

Keeks