I'm Ok. You're Ok. (Now please stop judging!)

So during Obesity Awareness Week I wrote a blog of things to be "aware" of but I never published it as it also included a very personal account of how I feel about being overweight. I have decided to amend the blog to address some things that I keep seeing on line.

I dont want to share the posts that I have seen because I am not prepared to perpetuate the thoughtlessness and cruelty that still exists about other people's bodies. One of them is a picture with a Full Body MRI scan of an obese person on one side, and a then person on the other side. The other picture is of an "unhealthy" heart. In actual fact the "unhealthy" heart is a perfectly healthy heart just about to be used in transplant surgery to save someone's life.

These pictures invited the most vitriolic of comments. It was like some people needed to have their say about how disgusted they were by anyone overweight. And boy did they comment!

So here are my 5 Things to be AWARE of in honour of Obesity Awareness Week. Please note: these are MY opinions, no one elses.

1. Im aware Im obese.
I dont need reminding. Im reminded every time I have to climb the stairs or do up my shoelaces. Im reminded every time I look in the mirror or try to wear a nice dress. My health choices have led me to this point, I blame no one else. But I also believe that society's acceptance or lack thereof, of my weight stems from a very wrong idea that all fat people don't care, are lazy and sit on their couch all day watching Jeremy Kyle and eating KFC. I wish I had that kind of time!

2. Just because Im fat doesnt mean Im lazy.
Making assumptions about someone's lifestyle based on their size is akin to assuming blondes are dumb, or have more fun!. Dont get me wrong, right now, I'm unfit and inflexible.  Up until the last few years I have always maintained a level of fitness and flexibility. I am a wife, a mother, a friend, a confidante, a small business owner, a singing teacher, a mentor, a mentee, a working musician and a whole host of other things. I dont have time to be lazy! Im too busy working. See Im not saying I dont eat crap, Im just saying I dont eat it all the time, and I dont choose to eat it because Im lazy. I choose to eat it because Im busy and disorganised some of the time. And sometimes, yes, I want crap food!

It may bother people to know this, but not everyone finds a six pack inspiring. I also know a lot of Plus Size women who work out regularly. Georgina Horne of Fuller Figure, Fuller Bust is well known for documenting her workout regime in a really positive and inspiring way. I also find the "This Girl Can" campaign particularly inspiring. Its all women, of all ages, shapes and sizes working out and participating in all manner of sports. Its a wonderful representation of the real world. And ALL women.

3. Concern and Disdain are different things.
The feigned concern of some people for the overweight doesn't mask your disdain at our weight. I don't need to be told, again, the health risks of being overweight. Believe me, I know them. And I would bet that most overweight people do. In fact I would wager that, like me, most overweight people know more about nutrition than the average person. I am obsessed with food, with health and how to lose weight and be healthy. Sadly that doesn't make me a great practitioner! I know a lot of people who have had plenty of singing lessons but still cant sing!

Just because I know how to lose weight, doesn't make it as easy as that. Many overweight people have a complex relationship with food. No matter what size I am, that doesn't change. Food is a source of comfort for me, a source of punishment, and finally a source of nutrition. I definitely fall in to the Live to Eat crowd.  Deprival of good food only makes me want it more. I don't buy cheese because I would only eat cheese and nothing else. I also don't buy white bread. I believe it to be the crack cocaine of the food world. I've never had crack cocaine but I imagine it to be very much like white bread. At least that's what my brain says. And therein lies the problem. I have no off switch when it comes to food.

And so enters disdain. I think some people who work hard on their weight (in my opinion, most people I know - I NEVER make the assumption that someone is "naturally" thin), can look at the body acceptance crowd and feel like its a slap in the face since they work so hard at being healthy (Society says Thin=Healthy; I do not agree with this as a blanket statement). But one person's Body acceptance has nothing to do with ANYONE ELSE! I have never endorsed being overweight but I am a HUGE advocate for BODY ACCEPTANCE (the irony!).  My experience of people who have learned to accept themselves is that they dont care about what you weigh, so why on earth should you care what size they are?? (And dont say "because my taxes pay for the health service blah blah blah....so do mine but I dont get a say in people drinking, smoking or doing drugs so give it a rest already. Maybe you should be thinking about why it makes YOU so uncomfortable?) If you really care, take off your 'hat of judgment' and put on your 'hat of understanding' (NB: Im thinking I might start a hat shop!) and learn that people are not everything you see on the outside. Ask questions, offer help (although not unsolicited help-that's just rude) & let people know that you care.

 Its wonderful that you work hard, and because I am fat, doesn't mean I don't admire what you are doing. But it doesn't mean that I can do it....so on to Number 4......

4. "If I can do it you can" is the most bullshit phrase I've ever heard (sorry).
Even your closest friends have no idea how your mind works, as you have no idea how theirs works. To prescribe to the idea that all it takes is willpower is quite simply bullshit. I know some people, my friend G for example, who keep me in awe of how bloody dedicated they are to their fitness goals. But for me, I can go for 2 or 3 days and then short-sightedly lose sight of why Im abstaining from bread! Just this morning I chose to lie in until 8am instead of getting up as I have the last 2 mornings at 7am and going in to the gym for half an hour. All because I was tired. I know G gets tired. She works full time, has an active 3 year old son, and a busy life, but she still finds time to work out. So I cant really use tiredness as an excuse.  But the simple fact is, I shouldn't need to have an excuse. Not for anyone else anyway.

I know people much larger than me who have done it. One friend lost 15stone!. I'm amazed by her. She works hard at the gym, was and still is incredibly disciplined with food and she could see the bigger picture. So many times I wished that could be me. I am currently on a journey of health and fitness and loving it and feeling motivated to do so, although, like anyone else, that can change with the wind but I am trying my best to be kind along the way.

So please don't tell me "if I can do it you can," its patronising, condescending and most of all incredibly presumptuous.

5. Body Acceptance is wonderful...for you not me.

I love that we live in a world where at least some people are accepting that a uniform shape and size is no longer king. We are seeing more and more plus size models and celebrities signing deals that keep them where they should be-in the public eye. But it also opens them up to a great deal of criticism. And there also seems to be a troubling school of thought that these wonderful human beings don't understand their own bodies or health and therefore need to be told that they are "fat" and "disgusting" and a "strain on the health service" I know people who never eat vegetables or fruit but live entirely on bacon sandwiches and takeaways. Yet they are not bombarded with "concerned" members of society telling them they need to stop eating terribly and look at their cholesterol and take some control.  Why? Because they're thin. So obviously they're healthy. Im not saying for a moment that being overweight doesn't come with health risks. But just because some of my health issues are worn on my body, society feels its ok to naively ascertain that anyone that is thin, is automatically healthy?! Do me a favour.

Here is not where I want to hear "curves are better, no one likes a stick, who wants skin and bones...." etc. I loathe body shaming, of anyone, of any size, and NO ONE is any better than anyone else based on a size or body shape. We are all the same skeleton underneath, some of us are just further away from their own bones! But no way is the right way. No one is the perfect form. We are what we are. And only you can decide for yourself if you are happy.

Im not saying I will never accept my body, but Im just saying that I dont have to do it to anyone else's timeline and neither does anyone else.

Its incredibly important for us to be aware of health risks of any sort, in whatever form they may come, but a little bit of kindness, a little bit of empathy never went astray. This is what I would want people to be aware of not just during Obesity Awareness Week, but all year round. We are all fighting our own battles. For me, you can see me fighting them on the outside of my body. For others, the battle is well and truly inside. 

The size of a person tells you nothing about that person's heart, physically or emotionally, or their soul. Maybe if we all spent a little bit more time focusing on our own well being we might all find that things will turn out just fine.

Kiki xxx

But I don't want to look like a potato!

So in my bid to get healthy it is becoming clear to me that there are two reasons I don't like going to the gym (and neither of them is because I don't like working out!) The first one is that feeling that everyone there is looking at me saying "yeah, its about time you got here," and the other reason is that I have to break so far from brand because the fact is regular gym gear does not look good on me! And dont even get me started on sports bras for the mammorally gifted!

I found myself some months back, finishing up a workout solely because I realised 5 minutes in that my shirt was too short and my stomach (a particularly sore point for me) was exposed. Embarrassed, I packed up and left, and that was in a ladies only gym!

Is it wrong that I kind of want his top??

I've tried looking for gym gear that is in keeping with my every day style (vintage or homeless person depending on how much time I've had in the morning), but it turns out that there is a distinct lack of repro gym wear. Possibly because, upon research, I discovered that there are very few photographs of plus size vintage ladies working out. And the photos of women working out from the 1930's upwards are wonderful but not what I would call practical. And God forbid you were Plus Sized and didn't look good in a full leotard!

Such strength but in a teddy?

The photography of women working out in years gone by is gorgeous but it doesn't give me a huge amount of inspiration for what I can wear when I work out that makes me feel like me.

I am hugely protective of my brand. After all, when Will-I-Am tells you that you are the "real deal" and remind him of Lady Gaga because of the care you put in to making sure your brand is true to your style, then you tend to be fairly protective of your style.

So as much  as I would love to go to the gym in heels and a full face of make up, the practicalities of that dont really work so now Im on the hunt for a way to make myself look less like a potato and more like the Kiki deVille that roams the streets.

Apparently sports corsetry isn't really a thing any more (I cant imagine why that trend died out!) so I am going to have to rely on spanx of some description to make me feel a little bit better, along with some strategically chosen tops that leave everything to the imagination! 

There are some good track pants that have built in support, but sadly that support only works if you're talking about a tiny little podge of a tummy that sticks out a bit when you breathe not that Baker's Apron that I possess! 

As it turns out, there are actually some plus size exercise wear companies with some great clothes but typically most of them are based in the US. I found some ok stuff at Matalan but they only do up to size 20 so there is still the risk that it will be clingy rather than the tent style I seem to prefer, given that I look remarkably like a sausage when squeezed in to said clingy gear.

What I cant understand is how designers think that simply adding a few panels to an already existing design will suddenly make it Plus Size. Sadly even some of the more forward thinking Plus Size companies, do seem to have more of the clingy variety than the floaty, un-clingy style Im after. Yoga wear is great because it ticks a lot of the boxes for being comfortable but its not always practical for sweaty workouts, especially with weight machines. I should point out here that some people like the clingy stuff, its just not for me.

"Hello. 1991 called. It wants its lycra print back!"

However its not just about where things cling or what size it is but how I feel about myself whilst I am in them as well. I know some people consider 1990 stuff to be vintage now but I am NOT one of those people! I find the prints ghastly and gawdy. Plus I already wore them in the 90's....I paid my dues man!

 I found some lovely stuff at State of Mind Active. With up to size 28 and some fabulous Plus Size models on the website, I like their stuff but it still doesn't tick my branding box.

Fabletics do up to a size 22 but again, it is very fashionable and a bit too clingy for me, but I can see the attraction as the ranges are many and varied. The style for the mainstream girl is excellent and really is made with someone who likes to look good whilst working out in mind.

Simpy Be do have a great range of workout wear but again, it does nothing for my style sensibility. Although though do stock some brands like Pineapple who surprisingly make tops up to a size 30. This made me very happy, even though it isnt my style, it is great to see them wanting to appeal to a more diverse market.

Not wanting to be one to moan about the lack of choice and not try to offer a solution, or at least try to fix it for myself, I set about making myself a workout outfit that suited not just my hourglass figure but my sense of style. I call it Vintage Vavoom and I cant wait to test it out in a workout session this week!

I honestly believe that if you can feel good at the gym (and let's face it, you dont need to be Plus Sized to feel uncomfortable at the gym!), then you will enjoy your workout a whole lot more, and more inclined to stick to working out. So have some fun finding what works for you and I hope you enjoy my little attempt at fashion/workout gear design.
Lots of love
Kiki xxx