"Why Hello Life, it's nice to see you again!"

Well Im back again after what can only be described as a tough few months. Whilst I dont often share too much about my private life, its time for me to fess up to crippling bouts of depression. Honestly, I want you to see the great parts of my life, and I cant bear negativity so I tend not to talk about it online, rather I speak to friends privately as that works much better for me. Sadly social media can give a really skewed idea of our lives, and in my experience, people seem to jump on the "negative" bandwagon rather than the positivity train, so i try to keep my posts upbeat.

However, for the last 12 months, and especially the last 3-4 months, I have been unable to do much more than go to work and gigs and that's about it. It took all of my energy to perform, and everything I had to get up in the morning.

As a performer, I know Im not alone in this. The trade off of being creative often seems to come with an open invitation to the Black Dog (that's not to suggest that non-creatives dont suffer too by the way)! Its something that affects so many of the people that I love and admire, and it really does help to know you're not alone.

But that's not why Im writing today. Im writing because I want to remind you all that there is always light. It may not come when you need it, and it may not come in the form that you expect, but its there, and if you just reach hard enough, you can find it. But you have to reach. Specifically, you have to reach out.

A few weeks back, I finally reached out. Initially I spoke to two dear performer friends. I spoke to them about my desperation. About my weight and how embarrassed I was at my appearance. About how difficult I felt with being on display. And specifically about how I felt like I was watching my life pass me by.

Both women are substantially younger than me, and both have atittudes, and bodies, that I admire greatly. And in opening up to them, they in turn, opened up to me. This was a revelation to say the least. All three of us are very protective of our branding (hence, no names Im afraid), so until I was open with them, I didnt know of the issues they themselves face. I have always appreciated that you dont have to have a visible weight issue to not feel great about your own body, in fact I am a vocal supporter of any person who wants to complain about their body! It doesnt matter what size you wear, it doesnt mean you're happy. Happiness isnt measured by dress size! I had a conversation with a well known performer a while back who told me that she felt she wasnt "allowed" to have a "fat" day on social media as she would most likely be attacked as she is perceived as having a perfect body. This angers me so much. We ALL have those days. And we are entitled to them, no matter what size. As I've said so many times, if you are normally a size 10 and you find yourself wearing a size 14, aren't you experiencing a lot of the same emotions as me?? Just because our sizes are different, the experience is much the same. Body shaming is awful and unacceptable, at any size.

The women that I reached out to in turn gave me the personal power to reach out to someone else. That person was someone I met at GoodwoodFestival last year whilst modelling for the Vintage Hair Lounge and my lovely friend Sharon Holloway and her feisty Mum Gloria, easily two of my most favourite people!

Kelly Bakewell is not only one of the most beautiful women I've laid eyes on (the only person in a photograph with Dita Von Teese, who can actually look more beautiful than Dita-I kid you not), she is one of the loveliest and most supportive people I've ever met. 

Case in Point-Gorgeous Miss Kelly Bakewell

When we were at Goodwood, there is really only street food to survive on. And when you're wearing a full face of make up and gorgeous House of Foxy dresses, you tend not to eat.....well I dont as everything pretty much always lands on my built in verandah (aka breasts). So when I saw Kelly tackling a huge Sausage in a Roll (not a euphamism!), I immediately asked her how she was eating it! Her response: "I deadlift and work out." I meant how was she physically eating it as it was impossible to look glamorous eating something like that and spilling it on everything (if you're me!), but her reaction was one of a person who is constantly questioned and shamed because she looks incredible. This is what we are doing to each other. We are making beautiful women apologise for their appearance.

Kelly and I immediately connected on this issue and I knew we'd be friends, and when she announced that she was going to train as a Personal Trainer, I was so happy that someone with such a great attitude would be out there encouraging people to be healthy and fit.

So at my lowest ebb, I reached out to Kelly. And 2 weeks in, she has literally changed my life. She has played an enormous hand in giving me my life back. I told her how desperate I was. I told her that I wanted to be confident again, that I wanted to be "me" again, and since that day, daily she has boosted me, and understood that this is a lifelong, emotional struggle for me, not just a case of "eating less and moving more."

So here I am 2 weeks in, 8lbs lighter, but more importantly to me, 9 inches smaller, and with more energy than I have had in what feels like forever. 2 weeks ago, I gave up sugar and Kelly put me on a High Fat, Low Carb (HFLC) diet.

I am a major sugar addict. What most people dont understand about that is that I am not a chocolate addict, Im a bread, pasta, chips addict. If its got bread, I'll eat it!

The first few days I drank more water than anyone should in their lifetime, but it was the only way I knew I would get through the cravings so I kept at it. Now, I have no desire for anything sweet or carb-y, just fat and protein.

From a macro perspective, I am eating 70% Fat, 25% Protein and 5% Carbs per day and although I am trying to hit 1,600 calories a day, I am finding myself in surplus most days as I simply dont have the appetite I used to. Incidentally, this particular way of eating has been embraced and endorsed as the suggested way of eating in Sweden (http://healthimpactnews.com/2013/sweden-becomes-first-western-nation-to-reject-low-fat-diet-dogma-in-favor-of-low-carb-high-fat-nutrition/).

Ansell Keys and his myth of low fat eating has a lot to answer for! (https://rawfoodsos.com/2011/12/22/the-truth-about-ancel-keys-weve-all-got-it-wrong/ - This is an incrediby interesting read by the way).

I should point out that about 14 years ago I weighed almost 20 stone, and I went on a similar diet, lost 6 stone and maintained that weight for almost 12 years, so I've been down this road before successfully.

So now my days consist of eggs for breakfast, avocado and tuna for lunch and chicken breast wrapped in bacon with cheese and salad veg for dinner.....or thereabouts. Im taking food with me wherever I go and making sure that I drink loads of water, and its working! But mostly, its making me feel like I have control again. Like I can finally live my life again.

Roast Dinner

Smoked Salmon, Cream Cheese
Omelette

At the same time, I roped in my friend Shelley to work out with me (especially as Kelly is based in Edinburgh so we can only do messenger and Skype), and we've been actively encouraging each other as we do the JillianMichael's 30 Day Shred together (although we only do it every other day). Having that person who can spur me on even when I dont feel like it, is so important for me, the people pleaser that I am. I dont think I could be doing the exercise part of this without my Shell Bear.

I will keep you updated on my progress (try to stop me) and I will share some photos in a few weeks when I get a bit braver. But I also want to encourage you to reach out if you need to. There's nothing wrong with admitting you cant do it alone.

And if you need a trainer, get in touch with Kelly!

Much love

Keeks

I'm Ok. You're Ok. (Now please stop judging!)

So during Obesity Awareness Week I wrote a blog of things to be "aware" of but I never published it as it also included a very personal account of how I feel about being overweight. I have decided to amend the blog to address some things that I keep seeing on line.

I dont want to share the posts that I have seen because I am not prepared to perpetuate the thoughtlessness and cruelty that still exists about other people's bodies. One of them is a picture with a Full Body MRI scan of an obese person on one side, and a then person on the other side. The other picture is of an "unhealthy" heart. In actual fact the "unhealthy" heart is a perfectly healthy heart just about to be used in transplant surgery to save someone's life.

These pictures invited the most vitriolic of comments. It was like some people needed to have their say about how disgusted they were by anyone overweight. And boy did they comment!

So here are my 5 Things to be AWARE of in honour of Obesity Awareness Week. Please note: these are MY opinions, no one elses.

1. Im aware Im obese.
I dont need reminding. Im reminded every time I have to climb the stairs or do up my shoelaces. Im reminded every time I look in the mirror or try to wear a nice dress. My health choices have led me to this point, I blame no one else. But I also believe that society's acceptance or lack thereof, of my weight stems from a very wrong idea that all fat people don't care, are lazy and sit on their couch all day watching Jeremy Kyle and eating KFC. I wish I had that kind of time!

2. Just because Im fat doesnt mean Im lazy.
Making assumptions about someone's lifestyle based on their size is akin to assuming blondes are dumb, or have more fun!. Dont get me wrong, right now, I'm unfit and inflexible.  Up until the last few years I have always maintained a level of fitness and flexibility. I am a wife, a mother, a friend, a confidante, a small business owner, a singing teacher, a mentor, a mentee, a working musician and a whole host of other things. I dont have time to be lazy! Im too busy working. See Im not saying I dont eat crap, Im just saying I dont eat it all the time, and I dont choose to eat it because Im lazy. I choose to eat it because Im busy and disorganised some of the time. And sometimes, yes, I want crap food!

It may bother people to know this, but not everyone finds a six pack inspiring. I also know a lot of Plus Size women who work out regularly. Georgina Horne of Fuller Figure, Fuller Bust is well known for documenting her workout regime in a really positive and inspiring way. I also find the "This Girl Can" campaign particularly inspiring. Its all women, of all ages, shapes and sizes working out and participating in all manner of sports. Its a wonderful representation of the real world. And ALL women.

3. Concern and Disdain are different things.
The feigned concern of some people for the overweight doesn't mask your disdain at our weight. I don't need to be told, again, the health risks of being overweight. Believe me, I know them. And I would bet that most overweight people do. In fact I would wager that, like me, most overweight people know more about nutrition than the average person. I am obsessed with food, with health and how to lose weight and be healthy. Sadly that doesn't make me a great practitioner! I know a lot of people who have had plenty of singing lessons but still cant sing!

Just because I know how to lose weight, doesn't make it as easy as that. Many overweight people have a complex relationship with food. No matter what size I am, that doesn't change. Food is a source of comfort for me, a source of punishment, and finally a source of nutrition. I definitely fall in to the Live to Eat crowd.  Deprival of good food only makes me want it more. I don't buy cheese because I would only eat cheese and nothing else. I also don't buy white bread. I believe it to be the crack cocaine of the food world. I've never had crack cocaine but I imagine it to be very much like white bread. At least that's what my brain says. And therein lies the problem. I have no off switch when it comes to food.

And so enters disdain. I think some people who work hard on their weight (in my opinion, most people I know - I NEVER make the assumption that someone is "naturally" thin), can look at the body acceptance crowd and feel like its a slap in the face since they work so hard at being healthy (Society says Thin=Healthy; I do not agree with this as a blanket statement). But one person's Body acceptance has nothing to do with ANYONE ELSE! I have never endorsed being overweight but I am a HUGE advocate for BODY ACCEPTANCE (the irony!).  My experience of people who have learned to accept themselves is that they dont care about what you weigh, so why on earth should you care what size they are?? (And dont say "because my taxes pay for the health service blah blah blah....so do mine but I dont get a say in people drinking, smoking or doing drugs so give it a rest already. Maybe you should be thinking about why it makes YOU so uncomfortable?) If you really care, take off your 'hat of judgment' and put on your 'hat of understanding' (NB: Im thinking I might start a hat shop!) and learn that people are not everything you see on the outside. Ask questions, offer help (although not unsolicited help-that's just rude) & let people know that you care.

 Its wonderful that you work hard, and because I am fat, doesn't mean I don't admire what you are doing. But it doesn't mean that I can do it....so on to Number 4......

4. "If I can do it you can" is the most bullshit phrase I've ever heard (sorry).
Even your closest friends have no idea how your mind works, as you have no idea how theirs works. To prescribe to the idea that all it takes is willpower is quite simply bullshit. I know some people, my friend G for example, who keep me in awe of how bloody dedicated they are to their fitness goals. But for me, I can go for 2 or 3 days and then short-sightedly lose sight of why Im abstaining from bread! Just this morning I chose to lie in until 8am instead of getting up as I have the last 2 mornings at 7am and going in to the gym for half an hour. All because I was tired. I know G gets tired. She works full time, has an active 3 year old son, and a busy life, but she still finds time to work out. So I cant really use tiredness as an excuse.  But the simple fact is, I shouldn't need to have an excuse. Not for anyone else anyway.

I know people much larger than me who have done it. One friend lost 15stone!. I'm amazed by her. She works hard at the gym, was and still is incredibly disciplined with food and she could see the bigger picture. So many times I wished that could be me. I am currently on a journey of health and fitness and loving it and feeling motivated to do so, although, like anyone else, that can change with the wind but I am trying my best to be kind along the way.

So please don't tell me "if I can do it you can," its patronising, condescending and most of all incredibly presumptuous.

5. Body Acceptance is wonderful...for you not me.

I love that we live in a world where at least some people are accepting that a uniform shape and size is no longer king. We are seeing more and more plus size models and celebrities signing deals that keep them where they should be-in the public eye. But it also opens them up to a great deal of criticism. And there also seems to be a troubling school of thought that these wonderful human beings don't understand their own bodies or health and therefore need to be told that they are "fat" and "disgusting" and a "strain on the health service" I know people who never eat vegetables or fruit but live entirely on bacon sandwiches and takeaways. Yet they are not bombarded with "concerned" members of society telling them they need to stop eating terribly and look at their cholesterol and take some control.  Why? Because they're thin. So obviously they're healthy. Im not saying for a moment that being overweight doesn't come with health risks. But just because some of my health issues are worn on my body, society feels its ok to naively ascertain that anyone that is thin, is automatically healthy?! Do me a favour.

Here is not where I want to hear "curves are better, no one likes a stick, who wants skin and bones...." etc. I loathe body shaming, of anyone, of any size, and NO ONE is any better than anyone else based on a size or body shape. We are all the same skeleton underneath, some of us are just further away from their own bones! But no way is the right way. No one is the perfect form. We are what we are. And only you can decide for yourself if you are happy.

Im not saying I will never accept my body, but Im just saying that I dont have to do it to anyone else's timeline and neither does anyone else.

Its incredibly important for us to be aware of health risks of any sort, in whatever form they may come, but a little bit of kindness, a little bit of empathy never went astray. This is what I would want people to be aware of not just during Obesity Awareness Week, but all year round. We are all fighting our own battles. For me, you can see me fighting them on the outside of my body. For others, the battle is well and truly inside. 

The size of a person tells you nothing about that person's heart, physically or emotionally, or their soul. Maybe if we all spent a little bit more time focusing on our own well being we might all find that things will turn out just fine.

Kiki xxx

But I don't want to look like a potato!

So in my bid to get healthy it is becoming clear to me that there are two reasons I don't like going to the gym (and neither of them is because I don't like working out!) The first one is that feeling that everyone there is looking at me saying "yeah, its about time you got here," and the other reason is that I have to break so far from brand because the fact is regular gym gear does not look good on me! And dont even get me started on sports bras for the mammorally gifted!

I found myself some months back, finishing up a workout solely because I realised 5 minutes in that my shirt was too short and my stomach (a particularly sore point for me) was exposed. Embarrassed, I packed up and left, and that was in a ladies only gym!

Is it wrong that I kind of want his top??

I've tried looking for gym gear that is in keeping with my every day style (vintage or homeless person depending on how much time I've had in the morning), but it turns out that there is a distinct lack of repro gym wear. Possibly because, upon research, I discovered that there are very few photographs of plus size vintage ladies working out. And the photos of women working out from the 1930's upwards are wonderful but not what I would call practical. And God forbid you were Plus Sized and didn't look good in a full leotard!

Such strength but in a teddy?

The photography of women working out in years gone by is gorgeous but it doesn't give me a huge amount of inspiration for what I can wear when I work out that makes me feel like me.

I am hugely protective of my brand. After all, when Will-I-Am tells you that you are the "real deal" and remind him of Lady Gaga because of the care you put in to making sure your brand is true to your style, then you tend to be fairly protective of your style.

So as much  as I would love to go to the gym in heels and a full face of make up, the practicalities of that dont really work so now Im on the hunt for a way to make myself look less like a potato and more like the Kiki deVille that roams the streets.

Apparently sports corsetry isn't really a thing any more (I cant imagine why that trend died out!) so I am going to have to rely on spanx of some description to make me feel a little bit better, along with some strategically chosen tops that leave everything to the imagination! 

There are some good track pants that have built in support, but sadly that support only works if you're talking about a tiny little podge of a tummy that sticks out a bit when you breathe not that Baker's Apron that I possess! 

As it turns out, there are actually some plus size exercise wear companies with some great clothes but typically most of them are based in the US. I found some ok stuff at Matalan but they only do up to size 20 so there is still the risk that it will be clingy rather than the tent style I seem to prefer, given that I look remarkably like a sausage when squeezed in to said clingy gear.

What I cant understand is how designers think that simply adding a few panels to an already existing design will suddenly make it Plus Size. Sadly even some of the more forward thinking Plus Size companies, do seem to have more of the clingy variety than the floaty, un-clingy style Im after. Yoga wear is great because it ticks a lot of the boxes for being comfortable but its not always practical for sweaty workouts, especially with weight machines. I should point out here that some people like the clingy stuff, its just not for me.

"Hello. 1991 called. It wants its lycra print back!"

However its not just about where things cling or what size it is but how I feel about myself whilst I am in them as well. I know some people consider 1990 stuff to be vintage now but I am NOT one of those people! I find the prints ghastly and gawdy. Plus I already wore them in the 90's....I paid my dues man!

 I found some lovely stuff at State of Mind Active. With up to size 28 and some fabulous Plus Size models on the website, I like their stuff but it still doesn't tick my branding box.

Fabletics do up to a size 22 but again, it is very fashionable and a bit too clingy for me, but I can see the attraction as the ranges are many and varied. The style for the mainstream girl is excellent and really is made with someone who likes to look good whilst working out in mind.

Simpy Be do have a great range of workout wear but again, it does nothing for my style sensibility. Although though do stock some brands like Pineapple who surprisingly make tops up to a size 30. This made me very happy, even though it isnt my style, it is great to see them wanting to appeal to a more diverse market.

Not wanting to be one to moan about the lack of choice and not try to offer a solution, or at least try to fix it for myself, I set about making myself a workout outfit that suited not just my hourglass figure but my sense of style. I call it Vintage Vavoom and I cant wait to test it out in a workout session this week!

I honestly believe that if you can feel good at the gym (and let's face it, you dont need to be Plus Sized to feel uncomfortable at the gym!), then you will enjoy your workout a whole lot more, and more inclined to stick to working out. So have some fun finding what works for you and I hope you enjoy my little attempt at fashion/workout gear design.
Lots of love
Kiki xxx

Well hello there you beautiful creature!

Hello you wonderful human being and welcome to my new blog! I thought I would share why I wanted to write a blog for you but first the name....

In 2014 I was lucky enough to find myself on Team Will-I-Am on Series 3 of The Voice UK! 

It was a fantastic experience that I will no doubt talk about a lot in my posts, but one of the best parts was the new moniker I was given by a columnist in The Sun Newspaper here in the UK. He had written about that Saturday's Blind Audition show in his column and there was a contestant that he felt should have gotten through but didnt. In his annoyance, he named the other contestants in what he may have felt was a disparaging way.....little did he know!

My friends in the Burlesque, Cabaret and Vintage community who were so supportive of me in my time on the show, embraced the name as though it was the most perfect description of me ever, and in honesty, I don't think anyone could have come up with a better name (a little bit like Kiki deVille ;) ) Henceforth, was Team Shouty Tits (#idonttakemyclothesoff). Its a name that's stuck and I adore it!

I have written a couple of blog posts before, but never in one place and not with the commitment that I feel readers deserve, so I have decided to re-share my earlier posts on here, and get writing with some fun, some thoughts and some general sharing that I've been come to be known for.

So here is the first blog post that I did last year that gives you a bit of an idea of where Im at, what I want to talk about and why....enjoy, and by all means, tell me your stories, ask me your questions and tell me your minds.

MARCH 2015

Ive been thinking a lot lately about starting a Blog and well, would anyone read it, and do I really have anything that important to say?

But as it happens, I decided that I wanted to do a Blog for me. Somewhere I could tell my stories, my thoughts, hopes, fears, and hopefully somewhere along the way, people could relate.

Many people who know me, know that I have had a challenging but wonderful couple of years with some incredible highs and some very sad lows. And I thought perhaps I could work through some of those things whilst sharing.....

 I guess the main thing everyone knows is that I have struggled a great deal with my weight, and as a part of my journey to healthiness and happiness I thought I would share some stuff along the way......

I had a bit of an epiphany the other day around the reasons I want to lose weight and how to keep myself motivated and on track.

People say that getting fit, weight loss and the like, involve that dirty word that I find so elusive....'Willpower!' I am not a weak willed person. Im just not. And I dont believe that most people are. I held my son as he took his last breaths. I kept going after one of the worst experiences a person can have, losing a child. I am not without strength. But when it comes to my weight, sticking to regime, a diet, whatever you want to call it, it seems waaaaay outside my ability!

But this epiphany I spoke of.....it hit me like a slap in the face. I cant lose weight for me. Because in my broken psyche, that would be selfish. What?! Its true. After so many years of not liking the person I was, now that I am happy with me, I find the selflessness that one needs to focus on their own health evades me. I wonder if its because I feel I have been selfish enough for a lifetime when I look back on my younger years? Or is it because I have very little sense of self worth? Whatever, many and varied, the reasons may be, Im no different to anyone else in that we are all a little broken from our past experiences. There is always someone worse off and there always will be. So how does one person find the strength to lose weight, and perhaps more importantly, put their own health and wellbeing before anybody else, and another person (eg: me), not.

Well, thats what I need to explore. How did I end up being someone who cares so little for myself or my own happiness? I have spent half a lifetime punishing myself for decisions made, and will probably never be able to stop myself completely from doing that, but at some point, I could use a bit of self-love (and I dont mean the fun kind)!

But where do you start when the, very loud, voices in your head tell you that you're not worthy of anything?

One of the many things that I took from being involved in The Voice UK was the fact that I simply can not handle being told I am good at stuff. Or that I am pretty or amazing, or many of the other things that friends, family and 'fans' said after my performances on the show. There's something very surreal about having Will-I-Am tell you that you are the "complete package." My response-EAT ALL THE FOOD!

In my messed up head, if I repulsed people, no-one could say those things anymore. I could blame my weight for my lack of success......stupid eh? The worst part was knowing I was doing it!

I often say Im lazy (and dont get me wrong, I really can be!), but for the most part it is simply not true. Im tired, but I am NOT lazy. Someone said to me the other day "you're a go-getter, why arent you going and getting this?" And in essence its a fair question. Why arent I? Am I scared of how things will turn out if I cant use my weight as an excuse for things. The jobs I dont apply for. The money that I dont ask for. The shows I dont think I could host. If I was thinner, would it really make me better at my job?

No matter what we want to think, people do judge your ability to do a good job based on your appearance. Its human nature I suppose. I wish my mind didnt buy in to that though!

As far as the music industry is concerned, these days, it is a visual art from as much as an audio one. We can kid ourselves that it is far more accepting of any size and shape (Adele, Meghan Trainor), but lets face it, these examples are few and far between. Being told I would be a "great singer if I lost some weight" was a defining moment for me as a young singer. It meant that I would always equate my weight with how successful I was as a musician. Silly I know, but I was so very young, and we all know how one cruel comment can shape us when we are young. (The real irony was that I was about a size 12 when I was told this)!

Today as I write this, I am almost back to the heaviest I have ever been. But I am also the most self aware than I have ever been. I know, thanks to a  brilliant psycho-therapist, that no amount of hypnosis, CBT, NLP or Affirmations can instil a self-esteem in someone who has never had any semblance of self-esteem. In those most narcissistic days of 0-3 years old, no-one was around to help me develop a self-esteem. Not a sob story, just a fact. And a fact that I have dealt with now that I understand it. Those voices in our heads, they have developed along with our outer voices, and incredibly, in some of us, they are so much stronger.

These days I am finding myself gentler with those voices. I am able to appreciate that not everything these loud inner voice says is true. I am also learning to appreciate that my inner voice is simply trying to protect me. In a warped, well-meaning way, that voice wants to save me from the hurt I experienced as a child. It doesnt know that I am an adult, 42 years old in fact, well and truly grown up!

So now I am starting a journey of discovery. What will it take for me to stick to eating well and adding exercise back in to my days? Well for one thing, its going to take discipline. Not willpower. I need to be more organised and prepared. For times I forget my lunch, for times when I want to stab someone (aka once a month), and times when I really, really want wine!

NOW 2016
All that has changed since this post is that I have actually put on weight! Typical isnt it?! But for the first time in a long time, its ok. I am learning to be keep trying to be kinder to myself still.

I have made a plan of what I will eat for the next week. I have made a plan to do an extra 10 minutes more movement per day (no point signing myself up for a marathon just yet!) I also plan on getting more sleep and reading more books. I will need to remember why I want to do this. That I want to feel healthy again. Vibrant. I want the grump that has taken over my personality to sod off! And I WILL do this. After all, I've done it before.

So I am posting some pictures of how I want to look again ( nothing crazy, just a size 16) and how I look now, and I will be updating as much as I can.

My goal is to leave the world a happier place because I was in it. And this is the start of that journey.

Love to you all.

Keeks xxx